A few weeks ago, my daughter told me she had listened to an interesting interview on CBC Radio. The interview was with an author who had recently published a book. I was somewhat surprised by the title of that book: Let’s Talk About Aging Parents. What? Was she referring to me?
After she told me more about it, I decided to order the book. I figured my three kids would benefit from it in the future. Way into the future. Now that I’ve had the chance to look at the book, I realize that the future may not be that far away. Sigh.
Let’s Talk About Aging Parents (A Real-Life Guide to Solving Problems with 27 Essential Conversations) is not for the faint of heart. It is an upfront and personal, albeit practical guide to what could be some very challenging situations. I’d like to think that my husband and I will be willing to listen to alternate plans when the time arises. But I also know myself, and just thinking about someone telling me I should no longer be, let’s say, driving, makes my blood boil. I don’t think anyone likes to admit they are no longer able to do something, right?
After having a look at this book, I understand why my father was so reluctant to accept help. Aging caught up to him, and Alzheimer’s stole my mother away from us. I wasn’t exactly sensitive to his feelings, and I wasn’t very diplomatic or compassionate. I was dealing with my feelings. He was dealing with his. We failed to communicate those crucial feelings, which in hindsight would have made things easier. It’s tough, coming to terms with aging and letting go of things that have defined you for much of your life. It’s tough relying on others to help you out, especially with everyday things. I hope that when it is time to have these types of discussions with my children, I will remember to be receptive and open. Hopefully they will be the same way.
The book Let’s Talk About Aging Parents, published in April of 2024, looks at several stages of life, including the house, home care, moving out, safety, loss, and health. Its author, Laura Tamblyn Watts, is the CEO of CanAge, Canada’s National Seniors’ Advocacy Organization. CanAge works to advance the well-being and rights of aging Canadians. They do this through advocacy, policy, and community engagement.
As I said earlier, I purchased this book not only for my kids but for myself. I thought it would help me to prepare for those difficult conversations. Easier said than done. But it may be a good idea to consider some of the prompts and checklists in the book and have those conversations now. Having them now may help avoid stress and heartache later when the situation is urgent and emotions are running high. Or maybe it is time to think about some of the issues that could come up in the future and plan for them now. It’s like a living will. Sure, it may be a sad and awkward thing to talk about when everything is fine, but it is something that makes final decisions easier knowing everyone’s wishes.
“The book is about helping kids and parents talk through issues such as getting your parents help around the house, downsizing and moving them into a retirement or long-term care home. The theme is simple: Prepare now, before hard choices must be made later under great stress… What you’ll hear as you work through this book is the voice of experience.” Rob Carrick, personal finance columnist for The Globe and Mail.
It’s all about communication, right? No one wants to be told they are too old to do something they have been doing on their own for the last six or seven decades. I remember when my oldest daughter told my husband and me that we should not have assembled the garden shed on our own. I mean, she was right, but that’s not something any 60-year-old wants to hear.
It’s one thing to ask for help with technology because it is constantly changing. It’s another thing to have to ask your son to open a jar of pickles because you just can’t find the strength to do it. And we’ve all heard stories about folks our age falling off ladders or breaking bones doing something they could have contracted out.
The book contains a lot of good information and suggestions to make this time of life smoother for all. For example, the author presents three approaches to starting a potentially loaded conversation: the What are your friends doing? approach, or how to go from being a snowbird to living in a care home; the Try It Out approach, or giving something a try before committing to a move or other major change; and lastly, the Guilt approach, making a parent feel bad that you are so worried about them.
“How do you tell them it might be time to make some changes? How do you make sure they’re safe and secure? And how do you do that without getting your head chewed off for stepping into their life when your advice isn’t welcome? When your parent has always been a proud, independent person, and you’re worried that pushing too hard might just make things worse? “asks the author.
“Caring for an aging parent is an art, not a science.”
I think this book is a good read for both children and parents. It is important for both to have empathy for each other. It is important to remember that these conversations are formed out of love. Yes, there may be some tears (I have shed a few just thinking of this!) but hopefully there will be some giggles. Parents need to remember that their kids only want the best for them. Kids will do well to remember that their parents taught them to walk, to use the toilet, to eat, etc. They were there to guide you, protect you, and pick you up when you fell. The roles are reversing, and that’s okay. That is part of life.
So, there is a choice to make. Do you have these conversations now? Do you wait until it is a ”do or die” situation? No one knows the answer. Whatever you choose, choose with your kids. That first conversation will be the hardest. Good luck… to all of us!
yes I have changed. you may not recognize me anymore. the new me does not pretend to be anything other than who I really am. you may not recognize the kind of strength that courses through my veins. it is rich with suffering. and believing. and overcoming. I no longer crave the things that I thought made me beautiful. but rather, i am delicious now in spirit. in choosing tenderness. and deliberate breaths. and a longing to be to others what I always wished them to be to me. I no longer have eyes that search for approval. but my vision is on whatever brings grace and healing and growth. I am full of love. and empty of being consumed by things that really do not matter. don’t get me wrong. I am still filled with a thousand, broken pieces – I’ve just rearranged them all.
~ ‘changed’ by Ullie Kaye Poetry
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